yourenotinlove

I can go see From Autumn to Ashes!
I'm trying really hard to leave the past behind. Trying to let go. Thats a bit of an oxymoron, because letting go implies not trying.


The tattoo that I want is the dove that's 20 seconds into the video below



I really feel like going for a walk/ chatting with people right now.

Ironic, I start listening to Bad Brains two days before I leave DC. They're really good. I wish DC still had that music scene.
I am completely ready to be home. I have an extensive to do list for tomorrow. Tuesday night, I will be on long island, with no work to do. I'll be so happy. These past few weeks have been rough. I'm ready for a break, because frankly, I don't know what to do here any more. I don't think I've felt this conflicted or confused about so many different situations ever before. I think, home will be better. hopefully.

There are very few things in life that make me really angry.
Very few.
One of them is when people are fake to me.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. I don't want to hear a bunch of stuff that isn't true. Save the bs for writing papers. I don't want you to say nice things just to say them, and then two days later not answer your phone. That's not what real friends do. Thats what people who are fake do. I miss actually being your friend, but when you treat me like this, I don't see the point. You always complained about how other people were fake. I always thought you were a real, good person. Unfortunately you have proved me wrong. When you say something, fucking follow through and mean it.

I need the ocean. I want to hear the waves, smell the salt water. I want to look at the clear blue sky, feel the breeze. I can't be by the ocean and not be happy. The rhythm of the waves washes away all my cares. Just like the foam on the waves, they're there and then suddenly they disappear on to the beach.

Yesterday I was a mess. I went for a forty minute run in the middle of the night. I needed to get away somehow. I wrote the most ridiculous notes to my friends, and decided not to send them. This is so much more complex than one person or thing. It's such a mess of things. I'm such a mess of things. People have asked what's wrong. It's hard to point to what's wrong. I'm wrong I guess. The stupidest little things that don't actually matter to me are able to set off the dynamite thats been building over time. The real stuff that bothers me. And I explode in self-destruction. I wish I could fix one thing and that would make it better, but the problem's so multifaceted that it's difficult to point to one thing and say "that's it, that's what I need to fix." But I guess I need to start fixing little things, one by one, rebuilding the person I want to be.
On the poster that Mary and Laura made for me, Mary wrote, "Home to me is reality and I need something real." That perfectly describes how I feel. I want to be home, feel real again.
No one reads these, but writing makes me feel better.

I wish you could adopt a baby for a day. Babies are just so cute. It's funny, no matter how sad or angry I feel, if I see a cute little baby I can't help but smile. They're one of those beautiful things about life that nothing else can really alter.
I've been listening to massive amounts of elliott smith lately. He made such beautiful music. I hope that I might be able to create something as beautiful as that, not musically, but maybe in writing or some other art form. The ability to reach out and connect to others through art is something that is so wonderful about life.
I think the word beautiful might be one of my favorite words. That and eclectic. But I never use that word. However, I use beautiful way too much. I need to find a new word to describe things. However, I like things that are beautiful, and I'd love to be called beautiful or have something I create be considered beautiful.
I'm excited about the sculpture I'm making for my class. I hope it works out the way I picture it in my mind. I'm excited about it.
I can't wait to get another tattoo. I have it all planned out, I just need the money. First paycheck of the summer? It's strange because they're such personal things, and I feel like people don't see the meaning behind them sometimes. But I guess in my cases that's because I don't like talking about it, because when I've tried to explain it, its been completely misconstrued. But hey, sometimes you can't make people understand what you were feeling, or how something simple could symbolize a larger experience.

was a pretty decent day.
it was beautiful out. i got to skateboard and chill in my friends backyard while he played guitar. and then i went to a park by the capitol and chilled with christina, and read and listened to some beatles. Just everything about the day was beautiful. Last week was a rough week for me, but today everything felt completely different, like i could just relax and be happy. Sometimes the perfect color of the sky, good friends and soothing music make the worst of bad feelings go away.

Everyone thinks about what they want, but no one ever says it. Well I’m gonna say what I want.

I want a nice guy. One who considers me a good friend and finds me attractive.

I want to be able to just hang out and laugh and have a good time. Talking, joking, listening to music, that’s all I really want. I want a guy who is relaxed, one who will just come over and chill in bed with me and watch movies. No stress, nothing serious. Just something fun, where I don’t have to worry if they’re messing with anyone else or if they’re gonna stop talking to me the next day. I don’t really think that is too much to ask.